Are you wondering how you are going to make it emotionally through this pandemic? In Part 1 of this article I outlined the “vicious cycle”, and how we often add to our own emotional overwhelm when our basic need for feeling safe isn’t met. The usual starting point is some emotional upheaval that has been triggered by an external event (in this case, the pandemic). This disrupts our “normal” equilibrium.
In this current article, I will use a case study to illustrate how you can shift negative feelings into positive ones by using a visual “emotional map”. I have developed this map over years of working with patients; and it is explained in depth in my upcoming book, 5 Steps to Tame the Overwhelmed Mind (5STOM, for short). Before we go into the example, let me introduce some basic concepts so that you can see how the map works. Then we will look at the case of a woman named Mary, who lives in New York City (one of the COVID-19 epicenters) and is dealing with her overwhelming emotions about the pandemic. (Note: I have changed names and other identifying details in order to protect privacy.)
the “Emotional Map” = the Steps in the Process
The map we will be working with is similar to the layout of an apartment building, with five regions that encompass various floors (see Figure 1 above). The building itself illustrates a hierarchy of emotions: from Hopelessness located on the very bottom floor, to Peace at the very top, and all the other emotions somewhere in between. As you systematically make your way up through the regions, you reach higher floors and feelings that are improved.
The five regions depicted in Figure 1 correspond to these five steps of the process:
Step 1 -- Identify Negative Emotions
On the lowest floors, Step 1 helps you to feel and name the negative emotions that cause overwhelm for you. When you are emotionally overwhelmed, this is the most constructive starting point; because it helps you to allow all of your feelings to be there, without judgment or denial. This brief process alone may help lessen those feelings enough that you find you are already starting to feel better.
Step 2 -- Identify Desires and Needs
Step 2 is to consciously recognize and accept the desires and needs that are being unmet in the current situation. (As you may recall, the basic need for safety was our example in Part 1 of this article.) Clarifying unmet desires and needs sets the stage for Steps 3 and 4, since they create patterns that repeat throughout your life if left unresolved.
Step 3 -- Identify Contributing Patterns and Frustrations
In this step, you start to identify the thoughts and emotional patterns that you habitually employ and which set off predictable emotional reactions. You will gain insight into why some of these patterns are what I call “tried-and-failed patterns” -- ones that typically lead to overwhelm by reinforcing the negative emotions. Once you realize which ones are dead ends, you can start to address the question, “How am I bringing about these reactions within myself?”
Step 4 -- Changing course… the Re-Parenting Squares
Step 4 is critical to breaking out of your “vicious cycle” of unmet needs reinforcing negative feelings, and negative feelings reinforcing unmet needs. In Step 4, we establish emotional safety and engage creative thinking skills that help ward off overwhelm. We do this by incorporating Containment, Connectedness, and Creativity (the “3 Cs”), through a series of questions and visualizations that redirect the emotional reactions.
Step 5 -- Positive Feelings
In Step 5, negative feelings have improved, and we arrive at freedom from emotional overwhelm. Once you have completed the prior four steps, your state of mind will no longer be weighed down by the intrusive negative chatter; leaving you free to connect to positive feelings on the higher floors in a genuine way.
A note about Step 3: You will notice in Figure 1, that Step 3 includes a large arrow that circles down around to the negative feelings on the lower floors, as well as to a “Reaction Checklist”. This illustrates the repetitive nature of unresolved patterns reinforcing negative feelings, which leads to “Inner Frustration” (defined as negative feelings being generated internally). As we get older, we usually find ways to avoid that frustration by taking protective measures (aka reactions). The Reaction Checklist lists 5 common reactions, including: blaming or criticizing others, self-righteousness, feeling victimized by others or the world, dampening anxiety by diversion (alcohol, unhealthy eating, internet, etc.), and being overly controlling.
Case Study — Mary’s Overwhelming Worry
Mary is a 38-year-old woman who lives alone in Brooklyn, NY. It’s late-March 2020, and she has just been laid off from her Manhattan job in a dental office. She feels anxiety rising as she thinks, “Things are really scary right now. Coronavirus has taken over so quickly -- like lightning. One of my coworkers has it, and one of my cousins has it. I have asthma, so I’m considered a high-risk person. My brother works in the ER on Long Island and he is telling me what’s really going on there—people are dying. Plus, I’m out of work!”
How could she use the Emotional Map in this situation? Let’s follow her thoughts as she goes through the beginning of the 5STOM method. As we go through the steps, I recommend using Figure 2 below as a visual guide.
Mary decides to take a hot bath, which relaxes her. Then she finds a quiet place to sit down. She closes her eyes and focuses on her breathing for a bit, slowing down the breath to calm herself. Now she can begin the steps of the 5STOM method.
STEP 1 -- Identify Negative Emotions
Step 1 is about using the Emotional Map to conduct a sequential inventory of all the emotions shown. Each Emotion Square offers a clue about what comes next in the process. Not all the Emotion Squares will apply in any given situation, but I recommend going through all of them when you are first learning this method.
Mary: “I start at the very bottom with Despair, and I feel into that word. I’m not sure that’s the right word, but I’m very stressed and miserable about the situation. Things seem out of control, and things are predicted to get worse and worse. And sitting with Hopelessness, I find I do feel that -- especially when I watch the news.”
“I then move upward to the next level, and begin with Unworthiness/Inadequacy. When I sit with those words, I notice that my body feels a bit wired and I wish it felt stronger.”
“When I move on to Depression, I am surprised to find that I’m not depressed. In this situation, I don’t feel alone or depressed because other people are in the same situation.”
“I move on to Apathy/Helplessness. I don’t feel these either, although I’m a bit tired of being cooped up in my apartment all day.”
“Moving on to Panic/Avoidance. Yes, I have felt panicky because I have asthma. My brother works in the ER of a hospital and I’m trying to be a good support for him; but every time he mentions people dying from coronavirus, it makes me very anxious and worried.”
“I then move upward to the next level beginning with Somatization -- what sensations do I feel in my body? I have some neck pain and my shoulders are tight. I try to massage it to see if I can release anything, but I know it’s stress-related. I’ve been stress-eating, too.”
As Mary continues through the remaining Emotion Squares, she is able to see which ones are playing a part in her overall worry and anxiety about the pandemic. Among the other feelings, she identifies fear of contracting the virus, but also resentment at being told to stay home all the time. And she is surprised to realize that she is feeling a lot of rage at an ex-boyfriend, who has been repeatedly calling her during the quarantine.
STEP 2 -- Identify Desires and Needs
After identifying all the relevant negative emotions in Step 1, Mary is ready to ask herself what needs she is experiencing as not being met in this situation. Of course, you can easily have more than one unmet need or desire driving the emotions. In 5STOM, I take the reader through the process of assessing and identifying underlying needs and desires; as well as how to resolve multiple needs and even conflicting ones. For the purposes of this article, we will only look at what Mary identifies as the strongest need driving her overwhelming worry -- the need for safety.
Mary continues: “The next box upward is about Desires/Needs. As I sit with the negative emotions and acknowledge that things feel so raw right now, I realize that my strongest need is to feel safe. It feels unattainable right now, with everything that is going on.”
STEP 3 -- Identify Contributing Patterns and Frustrations
Now that the strongest need is determined, Mary is ready to identify the emotional patterns that led to her overwhelm in the first place. These are the reactions she engages to protect herself from experiencing Inner Frustration, that then create the “vicious cycle”. Part of her task, then, is to review the Reaction Checklist, to see what applies to her and to get more insight into the broader patterns.
Mary: “This strong need for safety feels unmet right now. By reviewing the Reaction Checklist, I will see how I might be acting to protect myself from this growing frustration:
1) Am I blaming or criticizing others?... Most of my irritation is towards my ex-boyfriend.
2) How might I be acting self-righteously?... Does that mean like getting on my high horse? I do think people in my life should be reaching out to me more since I live in the epicenter of the pandemic. I also think the politicians could have done a better job watching out for us. They were reassuring us that everything was fine, but it wasn’t!
3) Am I dampening anxiety by diversion?... I’m definitely eating everything with a lot of sugar. I’m home all day, so I’m probably watching too much TV and Netflix, but it’s comforting to me.
4) Am I feeling like a victim?... I find myself asking, “Why us again?” We barely recovered from the 9/11 World Trade Center attacks. It’s not fair that we have to be the epicenter of the virus, too. And being “laid off” from work makes me feel like I got fired, even though they said it was just for the quarantine. It still feels like they took away my job security.
5) Overly controlling the situation? It’s hard to know whether I’m overreacting or underreacting when it comes to wiping down groceries and staying indoors. No one knows for sure what’s possible with the spread of the virus, and why take chances? Even if work is reopened, I ride the subway and I don’t see a safe way to get there.”
Mary realizes: “As I sit with this I am beginning to understand how some of these reactions, emotions, and my unmet need for safety strengthen each other right now. I want to manage my emotions better, and not take things out on others or myself. I know some people have it a lot worse than I do.”
In Mary’s case, she was able to identify all of the negative emotions contributing to her sense of overwhelm, and her underlying need for safety that feels unmet in some important ways. Even though the other steps in the 5STOM method have not been completed, you can see that Mary is already beginning to break the “vicious cycle”: she is expressing a positive emotion (acceptance) and starting to let go of self-righteousness, while also honoring her strong need for safety.
In the book, 5 Steps to Tame the Overwhelmed Mind, I fill in the missing pieces to help guide you in exploring your own emotions and ways of coping with other people and situations in your life. What I hope you take from Mary’s example is that changing negative emotional patterns is an interactive process. In order to improve your current emotional state, you can begin by using Figure 1 to acknowledge all the underlying negative feelings in a way that moves you in a gradual progression from one level to the next.