As we enter the sixth month of this pandemic, it’s pretty clear that we’ve all been affected on some level by the quarantine and social distancing.
We’ve been asked to give up certain aspects of our lives in the interest of safety for ourselves and others. Perhaps our basic needs for food, water, and shelter are being met, but what about the ones that are not being met? Since we’re technically surviving without certain requirements being met right now, are they really “needs”? Or are they actually desires that we claim to be needs? Is there a master list we can all agree upon as being part of the human experience?
Let’s look at this idea of a list of needs, and how we can become stuck in negative emotions unless we are able to either get them met or relate to them in a more flexible way. A good starting point is to come up with a list of actual needs that holds true for most of us – a list of the factors that are necessary for being alive. According to psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, founder of The Nonviolent Communication Center, some of the basic needs all humans share include:
Safety and physical nurturance, including: air, food, movement/exercise, protection from life-threatening organisms (viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals), rest, sexual expression, shelter, touch, water, an internal sense of security, equilibrium/homeostasis, and to be free of pain.
Freedom for dreams, goals, and values; and for choosing one’s own plan for fulfillment.
Celebration and play: fun, laughter, marking one’s victories and one’s losses (such as the passing of loved ones).
Self-actualization: authenticity, creativity, meaning, self-worth, truth, integrity.
Interdependence: acceptance, appreciation, closeness, community, consideration, contribution to the enrichment of life, emotional safety, empathy, honesty, love, reassurance, respect, support, trust, understanding, warmth. Spiritual communion: beauty, harmony, inspiration, order, peace.
Based on the list above, what needs do you find are being unmet during the pandemic? Is there anything missing from this list that you would include as an unmet need right now?
Certainly the need for community is being compromised during the quarantine. Even if we still have people to connect to online or through other technologies, we may not feel as connected to others without human touch or physical interaction. The need for celebration is compromised while we are not able to get together for events such as dances, sports, concerts, weddings, and funerals. With gyms closed, we may not be able to meet our need for moving around or for exercising in an optimal way. And some of us may not feel free to pursue our career goals.
Some things that we tend to call “needs” are not on the list above. Many people have a strong desire to go on vacation this time of year, but it would be a bit of a stretch to call it essential -- you can certainly survive without a formal vacation. The yearning for financial stability is not on the list above; and though many would identify that as a need, we can survive lacking that as well (as many people do). In fact, many people are not working right now because the need for physical safety overrides the desire for economic stability.
How about the need for the pandemic situation to be different from how it actually is?
This is an interesting question because it brings up the impulse to control circumstances, which can feel like a need (and, in fact, we typically label it as the “need for control”.) In truth, of course, no one is able to put such restrictions on life and nature, including the challenges brought by this pandemic. And yet, some people are throwing caution to the wind in an effort to take back their sense of control. Some, for example, view social distancing as unfair, causing them to feel frustrated and indignant when it gets in the way of other things that are important to them. In modern life, we are used to planning, doing, thinking, achieving, staying busy, and generally controlling how we spend our time and the directions our lives take. Certainly, we would all like to be able to do these things again, according to our own preferences. That’s a reasonable wish. But we are not entitled to it, even if it is important to us.
A wish or desire, in itself quite understandable, often turns into a claim of “I need” when it is combined with the impulse to control.
In our culture, we are constantly bombarded by other people’s “need to control”; whether it is in private settings, or in public arenas such as politics or the endless opinions we encounter on the internet, television, and bumper stickers. This impulse to control circumstances includes components such as forceful opinions, displays of power, the “need” to be right, superiority, possessiveness, gloating, imposing order, and competition. A variation of this is wanting people or situations to be different from the way they are. We often call these “irrational”, because they are based on the assumption of a right to something that does not exist in reality. (In sessions, clients often find it eye-opening when I point out how their “need to control” is operating in their lives.)
Authentic needs are unavoidable in the human experience – they are the necessary components to survival as a living organism. I believe it is also important to note that, whatever needs, desires, wishes, and impulses we have, we can be discerning about our relationship to them. We can develop the clarity to know when to let go in a certain situation, so as not become overly rigid or attached if it doesn’t truly serve self or others.
I invite you to consider that if you have a forceful “need” to return to your pre-pandemic life that is frustrating you, this could be an opportunity to let go of that sense of necessity. Instead, go within. See if you can let go of how you thought your life should be and exercise some patience. And then see where that freed up awareness and energy takes you. This pandemic can be the modern equivalent of the ancient practice of retreating into a cave for 40 days -- having released outdated beliefs and fears, and opened to nurturing new ideas on how to be, you can come through with a new perspective.
Author’s Note: In my upcoming book 5 Steps to Tame the Overwhelmed Mind (5STOM), I take the reader through the process of assessing and identifying underlying needs, desires, impulses, and reactions. I also discuss how to resolve multiple and conflicting needs, and the category of other so-called “needs” (such as the “need for control”) that are common in American society. Please contact me if you would like to be guided through the “5STOM” Method. I am currently taking new clients, and using the video conferencing platform for sessions.