Throughout my career, I have marveled at the preoccupation in our culture with narcissism.
Every day, you can find articles about which politician, celebrity, or athlete is “narcissistic” and why. And while that can be interesting to read about, I often wonder if it would be more helpful to look within before we judge others. In this article, I present an overview about narcissism, with particular focus on becoming more self-aware of narcissistic traits in the context of the COVID-19 pandemic.
The essence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy” (source: DSM-V, 2013). Narcissists lack empathy the way that someone with color blindness cannot see color -- though, curiously, they often excel in the ability to mimic empathy. You might recognize a few narcissistic characters in Charles Foster Kane played by Orson Welles in Citizen Kane, the Marine colonel played by Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, Tom Cruise’s character Charlie Babbitt in Rain Man, and Foghorn Leghorn in the Bugs Bunny Cartoons. Basically, they each display arrogance, have a condescending attitude, readily blame and manipulate others, have a “me first” attitude, and are hypersensitive to criticism. When things don’t go their way and their grandiosity and idealized image is confronted with reality, they can become hostile and suffer a “narcissistic injury”, even leading to a narcissistic rage. They often display needs for admiration, social recognition, prestige, and personal achievement, as well as the need to exploit others and get the better of them, the need for power (which could include control, being right, superiority, possession, triumph, compete, and domination), and a need for perfection.
There tends to be a wide range of narcissism among us. In a balanced state, we have what we consider to be a normal, healthy degree of narcissism, in which a person feels good about their accomplishments, has ambition or desire for mastery, likes what they do, has a realistic satisfaction in life, and does not belittle self or others. In the extreme, there is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), where there is an inability to regulate (balance) normal self-serving needs, and an idealized, grandiose version of “self” outstrips the real self. All negative aspects of self are projected onto others -- this does not correspond to reality, of course; but a person with untreated NPD cannot be persuaded to have a realistic sense of self or others. Finally, the middle range of narcissism is often referred to as “narcissistic traits”. In times of agreeable conditions, a person who has narcissistic traits has a manageable sense of self-importance, can function well, and tends to feel good about themselves (though less so towards others). This state is transient, though, because the person with narcissistic traits requires favorable circumstances to remain relatively positive and can lash out in challenging conditions rather than self-correct.
I believe, with the rise of social media in recent years, that the boundary between normal levels of egotism versus narcissistic traits has gotten very blurry. How many of us can say with complete honesty that we have never had any of the abovementioned needs or reactions at some point in our lives? While it is true that less than 1% of the population has true NPD, the vast majority of us have some degree of narcissistic glitches that we may not even be aware of. To complicate things further, we live in an ego-oriented culture and our thoughts, beliefs, and perspectives are affected by that. It’s like walking into a room full of soot—even if we exit the room, we still get some soot on our clothing and bodies. In current American culture, many of us are devoted to electronic media that thrive on superficial images and ignore substance and depth. It is a common view that consumption of material goods is the road to happiness. Our culture exhibits a fear of aging and death that keeps plastic surgeons in business and contributes to obsession with the glamour of celebrity. Even competitive sports, the “great American pastime,” teach that being Number One is the most important goal of all. What beliefs have we developed over time from living in our collective culture and in our own families of origin? How can we become more self-aware on this issue and develop more insight and accountability?
In the clinical setting, the goal in treating NPD is to help patients accept themselves and others as they truly are. Other goals include:
Limit their comparisons to take place within themselves, not with others.
Develop enjoyment of activities, instead of focusing only on attaining goals.
Learn to be more discerning when receiving feedback and to look for positive elements.
Become aware of how the other person in a situation might feel, not just react without consideration.
Acknowledge any sadistic or vengeful tendencies and develop other ways to channel aggressions.
Develop the ability to acknowledge one’s own flaws and create strategies to avoid denial, outbursts, and subsequent conflicts with other people.
With treatment, a person with NPD or narcissistic traits can reach a more integrated state in which the person has a more realistic sense of self, acknowledges their positive and negative qualities, and has the ability for self-reflection. These same tactics can be applied by anyone who wants to overcome their own self-serving tendencies and to create inner balance that allows them to meet challenges and unexpected situations in a healthy manner.
Time will tell regarding the full psychological toll of the 2020 pandemic. I believe it has presented narcissistic challenges for many, and I would like to highlight two specific ways I have observed it in patients with narcissistic traits. The first is the potential for conflict between one’s own needs versus the needs of others. Ideally, one would be able to balance both without there being any conflict, such as individual and communal needs regarding wearing a mask and observing social distancing. Wearing a mask is about protecting self and others, but people often feel uncomfortable wearing them (such as feeling unable to breathe well) and so they don’t. Getting a vaccine is about protecting oneself and helping society achieve herd immunity, but some people do not trust the vaccine due to its rapid development and possible unknown side effects. The point is that there is a dynamic in weighing these decisions that is influenced by the narcissism that exists within each of us – how much of our decisions are self-serving and to what degree do we consider the impact on others.
The second issue relates to people who had plans for a different kind of 2020 -- plans associated with certain needs and expectations they had, to which the pandemic delivered a knock-out blow. Some of my patients, stuck at home and not able to work or travel, have not adjusted easily to the reality imposed by global quarantine. For some of my young adult patients, part of the issue has to do with pressure from their parents placing ambitious and unreasonable expectations on them even before the COVID-19 crisis. Some have become islands of isolation, living without a sense of purpose or hope that things will improve and with self-narratives that say they have already failed. The pandemic has required people to set goals that are reasonable for these unique circumstances, which is challenging when you have rigid standards for yourself. Many people are left with unfulfilled expectations and with uncertainty about planning for the future. For those with narcissistic traits, this can increase the incidence of narcissistic injuries. In my book 5 Steps to Tame the Overwhelmed Mind, I offer a method to manage the overwhelming feelings that come as a result of needs and expectations going unmet. I believe one important factor is to be discerning about your relationship to these unmet needs. With guidance and practice, you can develop the clarity to know when to let go in certain situations, so as not to become overly rigid or attached when it doesn’t truly serve self or others.
Finally, though you may get the impression that narcissism gets a bad rap in this article, I firmly believe that narcissistic energy is important at points in a person’s development. It gives us the backbone to recreate ourselves and to have boundaries in the face of opposition. A sense of self is the central organizing principle that begins in each of us as infants and helps organize our feelings, needs, wishes, opinions, and motivations throughout our lives. With increased self-awareness, we may come to realize that some of the perceived “needs” we operate under may be a bit grandiose or rigid, that some claims on others are without merit, and/or that some of the demands we make are close to impossible for any human being to obtain. Over time, if a person is willing to take a wider, more balanced and flexible perspective, the door will start to open to one’s “real self.” The “real self” is who you really are—with inner freedom, flexibility, spontaneity, authenticity, and independence of feelings and beliefs. It is my hope that my upcoming book will offer a road map for that journey.